Resolutions II (and not the wig joint)

Or, um, I guess that should be hair replacement system vendor. Whatever.

New Year's Resolutions. Isn't that what we're all supposed to be thinking about today. I have to admit: I'm finding this kind of creepy. I'm not used to have broadcast my resolutions the year before, much less having them in print right here for others to be able to refer to.

I'm totally sticking with my theme of making nonsense or impossible resolutions. Why not have fun with it? Sure beats that sheepishly uncomfortable moment when a friend sees me doing something I've resolved to change and I have some 'splainin' to do. I don't like 'splainin'; I don't like it at all.

I screwed the pooch on last year's first resolution. I have not been able to evolve to have shark teeth. I did try bedtime prayers and sending positive vibes into the Universe, but it was not useful. My teeth are still human, still mine, and still hurt.

I couldn't go back to the night I lost the earring and un-lose it, though I tried and tried. I lit candles. I spun in circles while chanting the chant of Oh Mighty Isis from the Saturday morning show of my youth. But, the zephyr winds which blow on high neither lifted me up so I could fly nor took me back in time. Oh, well. I did get the earring I had left back into use thanks to Curmy, so I guess that one turned out alright.

I did not become Batman (with deference to The Batman). Honestly, I didn't even really try to do this one. Who wants to be tied down with the business of saving the world constantly?

I did make some headway on that fourth resolution from last year. In my own way, I've tried to help others get in touch with that little bit of Freddie Mercury that lives inside of each of us. On that score, I feel pretty good.

Since last year's experiment actually showed a glimmer of success in one small area, which is a vast improvement over my old track record with resolutions, I'll be sticking with this theme again this year. The rules, should you choose to adopt this resolution strategy yourself, are simple: only resolve the impossible, the improbable, and the downright silly.

1. I want to adapt to having the ability to stretch my eyes around corners and into those hard-to-see places where you just know all of the good lost stuff is hiding.

2. I want to harness the wind. All of it.

3. I resolve to continue helping others get in touch with that all-important inner Freddie Mercury. Really, a calling such as this is not something that can be taken lightly.

4. I resolve to eat no bugs, food that involved boiling a head during its process, or sandpiper birds (though their backward knees clearly make them one of the least trustworthy birds in the animal kingdom) until someone totals the amount of airtime Headline News Network has given to simply playing that tape of little Caylee Anthony singing "You Are My Sunshine" in the past six months. I'll bet it's many hours of airtime. Just on that one tape alone. It baffles the mind. Whoever chooses to total those minutes [Hint: It won't be me; I'm simply a non-bug/face byproduct/sandpiper eater in this scenario.] should confront Ted Turner for justification about allowing the network to not only devote so much time to only one case, but also to purposefully stretch the material available by overusing that material to fill airtime when other cases could get some much needed national attention where that useless repetition lay. This in no way implies that I have to or will eat bugs, food that involved boiling a head during its process, or sandpiper birds if someone totals the time.

Happy New Year!